Tell Me What You Want, What You Really Really Want!

“His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.” Eminem

Asking for what you want can be difficult. Sometimes it’s difficult to know exactly it is that what we want, much less make an ask for it. 

Asking for what you want is uncomfortable because it’s vulnerable. Being vulnerable is not something that is widely celebrated in our professional culture. We have long been conditioned to think that if we work hard enough and stay focused on our goal, we will achieve what we are looking for. 

We are taught that in order to get what we want we have two major options. One, we either appease and assist until we convince someone to throw us a bone. Or we become pushy and assertive and go for what we want.

What if there was a better way? 

Being vulnerable opens us up for possible rejection. When you want to avoid being rejected, you can choose a safer, smaller path, which ultimately leads you to take fewer risks and make easier, safer asks. 

To ask for what you want, first, you must identify what it is you truly want. Do you want more money? Do you want more freedom? Do you want more responsibility? Many times, our asks are tied to a deeper desire. These desires usually relate to having more freedom, being trusted more, being respected more, and/or being more valued. When you are aware of the underlying motivation behind your desires, you are better equipped to understand what foundational need the desire will meet and why.

As an example, asking for more money to give you more freedom is not a bad thing. Knowing where and why you desire more freedom gives you a more compelling ask. When you have an ask that is connected to a more foundational motivation, you give the other party something to connect to on a deeper level. You can tap into their desire to support you by connecting a deeper motivation to your ask for a basic change. 

Second, set up a meeting to make your ask. Reach out to the other party to set up a time to speak. My tried-and-true recommendation for this is to make a personal connection through email or phone. Send a note to say, “I have something I would like to discuss with you, is there a time that is most convenient for you?” If you have a comfortable rapport with the decision-maker, you may opt to meet in a mutually agreed upon space or over lunch to make the experience more comfortable for you both. If you have a more formal relationship with the decision-maker, meeting in their office or allowing them to pick a place/time to meet can give you a sense of amenability, which can make them more easily convinced to hear your request. 

Many people approach asking for what they want with a defensive nature. This approach can make them feel they have to prove that they have earned a positive answer to their request. I would invite you to consider, rather than only stating what you have already done, enhancing the ask with what you plan to do. 

For example: “In the past 6 months, I was able to improve the employee satisfaction of my team by reducing our meetings to one per week instead of three per week. We were able to cover more information in less meeting time and my team felt more motivated to produce as a result. We were able to meet our project deadline two weeks before our goal date and used the time saved to have a team happy hour together. If I were considered for this larger management role, I would use the same leadership approach to encourage team cohesiveness and productivity.”

A similar approach can be used to negotiate salary as well. “Thank you for your offer! With my current salary, I was able to innovate our processes to ultimately save us money. I believe that with a 10k raise, I can take my same approach and talents and apply them in this area of the company to help it grow, which reflects my ability to help our company increase its profitability.”

Asking for what you want can be a scary idea.

What if you’re told no?

What if you feel deserving and your request is flat-out rejected?

You still have options- you are never powerless as the employee, especially in today’s work culture. You can always respond with: “While your answer is not what I hoped to hear, I would like to hear from you if there are any other options available to help me get closer to my goal.” 

What is your experience with identifying and asking for what you truly want? I would love to hear how it went, positive or negative!